What comes to mind when you hear the word relationships? Love, commitment, trust, vulnerability, fear, hurt, disappointment, confusion. Do you think of support network? I use the phrases support network and system, tribe, your people, circle of support, team interchangeably. How would you describe your support network? In my book, Adventures in Love, I wrote about the purpose and benefits of support networks. And I'm here to tell you, we need them whether we are in a romantic relationship or not. ALL OF US!

If you are already doubting the need for a support network in your life, then please keep reading!

 If you say, "I’m independent, I can do this on my own."

 My question...

“Why make it harder on yourself?”

Benefits of a support network: 

First, they demonstrated their trustworthiness. Sidenote: How do you determine trustworthiness? Often the people who say, "I can do life on my own," have difficulty with trust. Their reasons for distrust of others are often valid and unfortunately, generalized to everyone. (Trust is a topic for another time. Don’t worry, we’ll come back to it).

Secondly, they are your personal cheerleaders. They want to see you win. They celebrate your wins and encourage you during setbacks. They might not know how to help but they believe in you and they verbalize the belief. I have several cheerleaders in my life that have no experience as an author or as a therapist, but they keep cheering nonetheless. Everyone who is cheering during the football game doesn’t understand all the rules, penalties, or positions but they recognize wins or are told about the wins and they SHOW UP AND CHEER!

Thirdly, they provide feedback and guidance. They hold a mirror up so you can see yourself, your behavior, your words, your missteps. They hold you accountable. If I tell people in my circle, I’m going to write every week, then they are going to have questions about my progress during the week and if there is lack of progress they want to know why. They might provide suggestions or point out that I’ve been distracted by other things.

Fourthly, they provide practical assistance. They provide the type of assistance that is needed. When I’m struggling, they ask me what I need and they provide it if they can. Or I ask them for what I need. The type of assistance needed might change based on the current situation.

Asking for and accepting help is a SUPERPOWER!

Use your SUPERPOWER!

You might already recognize that the people in your network have different roles or play all the roles at different times. On sport teams, there are specific positions for each player. It’s vital to know each person’s role in your network. If you are mistaken, it can cause misunderstandings and hurt feelings. We don't call a plumber when we have an electrical problem, but we often make this mistake in relationships. It’s not logical to call the person who provides practice assistance and expect them to be a cheerleader.

Ever had this experience with someone?

You: I’m really struggling today.

Support #1: What can I do for you?

You: I’m really worried about meeting this deadline.

Support #1: What can I DO for you?

You: I just need to talk.

Support #1: Ok, well call me later and let me know what I can DO for you.

Frustration and disappointment set in. It’s easy to say this person is cold, unsupportive, or they didn't understand the assignment. What was the misstep? Who's misstep? YOURS. You called the Doer or Fixer with the wrong need.

Now imagine this conversation:

You: I’m really struggling today.

Support #2: What’s wrong? What’s going on?

You: I’m really worried about meeting this deadline.

Support #2: What are you worried about?

You: I don’t know. I just need to talk.

Support #2: You want to talk about the deadline? Or something else to get your mind off it for a little bit?

The right person was called this time! 

I recently posted a couple of videos on relationships on Facebook and YouTube. One of them is entitled, Relationships - Audit Time. It’s about reflecting on your relationships. As we have new experiences, often our needs in relationships change. Our support networks can and should adjust over time. I challenge you to reflect on your network and see if there needs to be some additions or deletions. Just like on a sports team the roster changes with time for a variety of reasons. 

At the bare minimum, do you have a support network that is trustworthy, provides feedback, guidance, assistance, accountability, and cheers you on? If the answer is no, it’s time to make some changes.

Time to Work

1. Write down the names of the people in your network

2. Next to their name write down their role 

3. Is their role helpful and still needed?

4. Are there some gaps in your network?

If there are some gaps or unneeded roles, then what is your next step? Remember our support network is meant to be beneficial. I know this might be hard but remember We Can Do Hard Things. Everyone you are acquainted with is not included in your network and that’s okay. We are not necessarily talking about ending relationships. We are talking about repositioning people, so they are in the right role, and we have the right expectations of them.

Remember you can follow me on YouTube and Facebook for more mental health tips! On my author website you can learn more about my book, Adventures in Love, and to subscribe to receive blogs and Thoughtful Notes to your email. Thoughtful Notes are very short “notes” to encourage self-reflection on an array of topics, such as relationships, self-awareness, and mental health and to provide tips to help with living well.

Until Next Time Take Care,

Darsha D!